i'm trying to make sense of life, the non-chalant hellos and the agressive goodbyes...but what exactly is it that i'm saying these hellos and goodbyes to? Here's where my dilemma gets started.
What happens when what you thought you knew to be true, right, the path God chose for you ... what happens when he changes it? now you must understand that it's a great change! definately different, but none the less, it's a change. Why i wonder, did God give such a passion, a true calling and understanding of his will, and yet almost within the same breath, he takes it away.
Maybe there's a reason. well, obviously right?! posssibly the passion and desires he gave me where only for that season of life, a passion to get me through that season... perhaps it was a passion that was the driving force for others. Maybe God has been using me 'here' to plant seeds 'out there'.
one thing is for sure. I am content.
content.
content.
i like that word.
I'm learning more and more that God's ways of working and answering praying are so much higher than my ways. isn't it funny how we expect God's answers to our prayers to be the answers we expect? or the answers that benefit us?! i've been learning that God answers our prayers, in his time, and they are usually answered in his creative way... as to show his power reigning over my life! oh! i'm so glad i serve him!!
"Lord help me be the one you're making me"

lost in praise, fighting for the light, praying for eyes to see the path,
watching for the Wonder to grab my hand,
passing by closed doors,
listening to the voice of reason, singing against the dark skies, searching for an understanding mind,
thinking what the future holds, grabbing onto you with both hands,
crying through misunderstanding,
breathing in new air, seeing the light grow stronger, reaching up for a higher love,
resting in peace,
knowing the truth,
loving the moment,
caring for only you.

i know i'm called to something greater than I am, greater than what i ever imagined possible. can i do it? i really don't know, but the fact remains that i must. In essence, it's what i am, who i am, who i was made to be. it almost seems painless right now, but my heart feels the anticipation of something greater, more fulfilling, a calling that is not for everyone, a mission made just for me. My heart isn't ready, my mind is still to fresh. My thoughts seem uncontroled and i feel... captivated.

As far as i can see, to be loved is to be beautiful. We may be told time and time again that we are beautiful ... but it gets old, dull and boring. Not that i'm conceited and know that i'm beautiful... by no means is that what i'm trying to portray! But when someone is told something as precious as "you are beautiful" so many times, in many no chalant ways, the meaning is lost! and it just becomes words that are lost.
I am learning that when i feel most beautiful is when i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am loved. and love comes in more forms than just words... love is an action! Love is a back rub, love is a shoulder to sleep on, love is a warm hand to hold, love is a bouquet of flowers, love is a look of innocence, love is brighter than all the stars, love is stronger then any lightning bolt ... love conquers fears by facing them and fighting them ... love is a sweet kiss on the cheek, a note found under my pillow, a surprise date, a strong embrace, love is a prayer spoken by two, love answers all questions. when i feel loved, i know i'm beautiful

and to know you're beautiful is the greatest wonder of them all because it is true love!