A Prayer to the Potter
This is my prayer to You, will you turn you ear and listen to my words? I am not worthy enough to even address you as friend, but I NEED to come to you with my heart! It is heavy and bowed down low to thank you for bringing me to this place of security; for blessing me on the journey; for healing my heart and bring joy back into my life. Lord you are so Holy. I am unable to offer you th worship you deserve. Who am I to come to you and ask of you simple things that are of no worth compared to your sustaining the stars, bringing death to life, giving every breathe, growing every child, blessing every tear? I am but a sinner. Lost without your care. Seeking forgiveness, healing, and peace. I know that you and you alone can give me all I need ... even more than what i know! In your majesty and splendor you take a hold my hand, grab my heart and provide more love and blessings for me than i'll ever be able to grasp! Please Lord, in your kindness will you listen to my prayer? will you guide this heart ... it's just me ... all of me. For you. Please Lord, do not turn away! Bless me! Lead me! Show me the pathway, even as broken as i have made it ... grant me your love andhumble me before you lord and continue to he the Potter of this dirty piece of clay.

observing from afar is like being on center stage sometimes. it's why i stand on a chair... to get a new perspective on life. probably subconsciously because i need to look at things differently. and the fact that i need to look at things differently means that i should really find a higher chair. at least that's what i feel somedays. i think it's quite funny though how i end up on these chairs,and observing things for a different perspective without even knowing it.it's those times, when i see things for what they really are. a new perspective is nice. i like it.

as it turns out, i guess i'm a bad judge of character. i thought he was the one... that special person who makes my heart skip a beat, my stomach to flip, my hands to shake. well, he was that person. i just don't know what happened. you think you know someone and then the give up, throw the towel in and leave you with that blank look on your face. And all for what? a lame-o excuse that means squat! how about we grow some feelings and tell me the truth! WHY!?! one day we're talking about marriage and our future together ...then the next day everything changes! why?! am i not worthy op at least a better explanation? we haven't even ever fought... and you're saying that you forsee us fighting all the time so we should just throw out the baby with the bath water?!? what are you running from? of course everyone is scared! if you weren't scared i'd be worried. it's okay! i just want to hear the truth ... whether i can handle it or not, i just want the truth please!! i know taht we are so completely different. That's what i love! opposites do attract ... me and you ... i miss you. i'm not sure what to feel anymore. abandoned? hopeless? forgotten about? unworthy of your love? what i do know is that i feel sad because i don't have you here anymore. it's like there's something missing from life. everyone i see,everything i do, i'm always reminded of you. i wish i knew if you miss me too. i'm so tired of wishing for your hand in mine... i can't give up though. not without a fight. are you going to fight? fight for love, the real deal... fight for me? no? should i fight for you? i wish i was wanted. wanted in your arms. please. come back. i miss you.

love my girls ...

the pathway is broken, the signs are unclear, and i don't know the reasons why you brought me here. but just because you love me the way that you do i'm going walk through the valley if you want me to.

no i'm not who i was when i took the first step, and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet. so if all of these trials bring me closer to you then i will walk through the fire if you want me to.

and it may not be the way i would've chosen when you lead me through a world
that's not my home but you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never
go alone.

so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself, and i can't hear you answer my cries for help. i'll remember the suffering that true love put you through and i'll walk through the darkness if you want me to.

so when i corss over Jordan i'm gonna sing i'm gonna shout, i'm gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down. so take me on the pathway that leads me home to you and i will walk through the vally if you want me to.

i'm trying to make sense of life, the non-chalant hellos and the agressive goodbyes...but what exactly is it that i'm saying these hellos and goodbyes to? Here's where my dilemma gets started.
What happens when what you thought you knew to be true, right, the path God chose for you ... what happens when he changes it? now you must understand that it's a great change! definately different, but none the less, it's a change. Why i wonder, did God give such a passion, a true calling and understanding of his will, and yet almost within the same breath, he takes it away.
Maybe there's a reason. well, obviously right?! posssibly the passion and desires he gave me where only for that season of life, a passion to get me through that season... perhaps it was a passion that was the driving force for others. Maybe God has been using me 'here' to plant seeds 'out there'.
one thing is for sure. I am content.
content.
content.
i like that word.
I'm learning more and more that God's ways of working and answering praying are so much higher than my ways. isn't it funny how we expect God's answers to our prayers to be the answers we expect? or the answers that benefit us?! i've been learning that God answers our prayers, in his time, and they are usually answered in his creative way... as to show his power reigning over my life! oh! i'm so glad i serve him!!
"Lord help me be the one you're making me"

lost in praise, fighting for the light, praying for eyes to see the path,
watching for the Wonder to grab my hand,
passing by closed doors,
listening to the voice of reason, singing against the dark skies, searching for an understanding mind,
thinking what the future holds, grabbing onto you with both hands,
crying through misunderstanding,
breathing in new air, seeing the light grow stronger, reaching up for a higher love,
resting in peace,
knowing the truth,
loving the moment,
caring for only you.

i know i'm called to something greater than I am, greater than what i ever imagined possible. can i do it? i really don't know, but the fact remains that i must. In essence, it's what i am, who i am, who i was made to be. it almost seems painless right now, but my heart feels the anticipation of something greater, more fulfilling, a calling that is not for everyone, a mission made just for me. My heart isn't ready, my mind is still to fresh. My thoughts seem uncontroled and i feel... captivated.

As far as i can see, to be loved is to be beautiful. We may be told time and time again that we are beautiful ... but it gets old, dull and boring. Not that i'm conceited and know that i'm beautiful... by no means is that what i'm trying to portray! But when someone is told something as precious as "you are beautiful" so many times, in many no chalant ways, the meaning is lost! and it just becomes words that are lost.
I am learning that when i feel most beautiful is when i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am loved. and love comes in more forms than just words... love is an action! Love is a back rub, love is a shoulder to sleep on, love is a warm hand to hold, love is a bouquet of flowers, love is a look of innocence, love is brighter than all the stars, love is stronger then any lightning bolt ... love conquers fears by facing them and fighting them ... love is a sweet kiss on the cheek, a note found under my pillow, a surprise date, a strong embrace, love is a prayer spoken by two, love answers all questions. when i feel loved, i know i'm beautiful

and to know you're beautiful is the greatest wonder of them all because it is true love!